『きんしんかん:性加害のニワトリとたまご』

ある本がきっかけで、逃げるように東京に移住した日系アメリカ人の斎氣心。初めて心を開ける人に出逢うも、彼にDVをしてしまう。確執が長年ある母親のような自分に絶望した。原因は、母の「躾(暴力)」と女性ホルモンだと考え、低容量ピルYAZを服用したが、副作用で臨死した。古今東西の代替医療による精神治療を試行錯誤する中、幼児期に父親から受け始めた猥褻を自覚する。それでも問題が雪だるま化するため、両親に虐待の事実を問いただした。しかし己の被害を自他に明示できた瞬間、自分もきょうだいに性的加害をしていた記憶が蘇り...

【7】Incest in Japan: How My Dad Molested Me at Four

In the middle of the night, while I was sleeping between my parents in their bedroom, I woke up to an uncomfortable feeling and found my father's hands inside my underwear, stroking my mons pubis.

 

It felt so uncomfortable but I gave my father the benefit of a doubt that he was half asleep and rolled over toward my mother in the hope to brush his hands away. However, when I did, he grabbed the back of my underwear—I was horrified. Was dad actually awake?

 

I couldn't bear the idea or the emotion that I got out of the bed as fast and as quietly as I could, hoping that I wouldn't wake "anybody" up, and ran for the bathroom. I flushed the toilet as if to pretend that I just woke up to urinate.

 

I don't remember what happened next but I must have returned to my bedroom, across from my parents,' that I shared with my brothers. 

 

Perhaps I could have dismissed it as "just a nightmare," but the following morning, my mother said to me in Japanese something to the effect of, "I heard dad was 'mego-mego*'-ing you? Good for you!" and she hugged me. I was so confused and dumbfounded.

 

*Apparently, "mego-mego" is a dialect word of Niigata prefecture that means "so adorable it can't be helped."*1 It was used as a mimetic word pertaining to touch, which I heard only my father use, so it was strange to hear it from my mother. 

 

This was just one of his obscene behaviors, which continued until I was in my thirties. 

 

*1: